Consequences vs. Punishment: Leading Without Being an A-Hole
I was looking for advice on how to get my kids to listen better.
And by listen, I don't mean “obey.” I truly mean listen.
Because just like I discuss in this Agency Forward episode, there are 3 big reasons teams fail.
They don't know what the task is (communication).
They don't know why they're doing it (motivation).
They don't know how to do it (skills).
These are similar with your household team. If they don't know the what, why, or how, they'll likely fail.
So I try to ensure my kids have all of them, but I still find myself struggling to get them to acknowledge what needs to be done.
I'm not about to use a project management tool with my children. So I went to Google.
Way too many parenting coaches used the phrase, “Choose strong consequences to give your kids.”
And I realized, “Holy guacamole, these people don't understand the difference between consequences and punishments.”
So I want to quickly explain both, because understanding them can dramatically help you lead your team better.
Punishment: The Masochist’s Treat
First, I’m not trying to compare you as an agency owner to a parenting coach. But if the people who should understand the difference don’t, I figured it’s worth clarifying for everyone.
When you punish someone for doing something, it doesn't have the result you think it does.
Well, unless you think that result is animosity and them getting better at not being caught. Then you’re right.
The leaders who use punishment also screw up in two other ways.
They only use the stick and never the carrot.
They punish in public.
I'm not preaching to use the stick (in fact, I think that's dumber than that Tide Pod Challenge) but if you're going to, please give something to motivate the team.
Give them a reason to be there beyond a paycheck. If you don't, they're going to leave you. I mean, if you keep punishing them, they’re going to leave anyways, but it’ll take more time if there are rewards in the mix.
When you punish in public, you do three dangerous things:
You make them feel like they’re not safe
You make them feel like they don't matter
You lower their status among the team
Everyone is constantly asking themselves two questions, “Am I safe?” and, “Do I matter?”
These were needed to stay alive and even though modern times have changed, we’re still asking the questions. Your relationships can be made or broken by whether you address those questions.
Status is the primary driver of nearly everything we do. Whether you’re the rich man buying a Lambo to show off, or the rich man buying a Corolla to do the opposite, the choice was driven by status.
Lowering someone’s status is the quickest way to get them to hate you.
Punishments should be restricted to murderers and other committers of grievous crimes.
For everyone else, consequences.
Consequences: Predicting the Future
If you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to tell all his friends, and soon you'll have an infestation.
This storybook is a way for kids to start learning about consequences. More adults might need to read it.
Consequences are neither good nor bad. They just are. They're like the weather.
So when the parenting coaches said you can choose which consequences you can deliver, it pissed me off. Because now some so-called experts are telling their clients to punish their kids but disguising it as gentle parenting by framing them as “consequences.”
I'm not a parenting nerd, but I am a leadership nerd, and they're quite similar.
We want our teams to know that when they do good, good things happen. When they do bad, the opposite is true.
Make the company more money, and I can pay you more because I don't want to lose you.
Cost the company more than you're providing in value and you’re out of a job.
There are tons of ways to show consequences. You could try the three-strike rule.
The first time someone screws up (doesn't meet expectations), you talk about it. You make a plan to fix it, and you try again.
The second time, you remind them you've already discussed and made a plan. You'll make a new plan to try again, but that’s the last time.
The third time, you explain they're going to find a new home, and you'll help them do it.
That's a consequence. “We expect you to do this. If you can't, you'll need to find another job.”
Consequences just happen. You don't choose them. You choose the actions that lead to them. So choose right.
Ending the Punishment
Ok, so I may have written this article in a quick sitting because I was frustrated with an unrelated industry.
But here’s the thing, I’ve seen a lot of agency owners who don’t understand the difference between punishment and consequences. And if you, the person leading a team, can’t distinguish between the two, you’re going to have a rough time holding your team accountable.
The reason so many conversations are “hard” when someone screws up is because you didn’t set clear expectations and explain the consequences. Instead, you feel like you’re giving out a punishment, and they’ll be angry. But in reality, they’re the ones to blame for not meeting the expectations (obviously assuming you set them up for success).
If you want to sit down for some feedback on your leadership style, grab some time.
Most agency leaders are only there because they started the company. It doesn’t mean you have all the skills you need to lead. So have the conversations, develop those skills, and watch your agency flourish under your leadership.